...and this is how I feel

my sister, Debbie Hall
Posted by Hello

Today was truly the worst day of my life so far.

You hear people say that all the time, but I now know what a worst day feels like. My older sister fought and fought to beat what turned out to be a really nasty brain tumor. It wasn't until the last couple months that I learned that it never responded to any treatment she did--Temodar, radiation, CCNU. NOTHING. When my dad had his brain tumor, a meningioma, he was in such a bad state, and we had so little hope, but he mostly breezed through it and regained a lot and it was benign. When Debbie was diagnosed with hers 2 years ago, I think we were sort of over-confident in trusting her words. She told us average prognosis was 7-10 years. She said she'd outlive her two dogs she'd just brought home the year before. We believed her, and we let her go through a lot of it on her own because it didn't seem so bad. And if dad could beat his, she'd surely beat this one.

I just spent the last month at home in IL helping to prearrange her funeral, in Virginia, packing up all of her stuff to take to IL, and trying to spend quality time with her, though I hated seeing her in such a position. She was always there to help others when they were down. Over the last 5 months since she ended up in the hospital from having shingles, I kept such vigilant track of what she was on, what the drugs were for, careful to understand everything going on medically, and trying to help her understand why safety should prevail over vanity in things like using a walker or wheelchair when it was no longer registering cognitively. While I was home and she was in the nursing home there, I just couldn't do it. I think even before I got there, I knew, though I didn't want to be right. I knew that those would be my final days with her. And there were some days I just couldn't go because I didn't want to think that those were going to be my final days with her.

I left IL on September 11. Since I am one of those people --those history major people -- who note dates constantly, I realized the date, even before that day, thinking that 3 years before I would have never guessed in the middle of the panic of the day, what I would be doing 36 months later. Twelve months ago, I was really affected by John Ritter's death. I think that day she knew that was it, also. After I said that I was leaving for Florida, she seemed upset, but wouldn't explain. I don't know that I like the way I said goodbye. She was in a quad room and that morning all of her 3 roommates were pretty lively and noisy. There were quite a few things I wanted to say. I left it that I'd see her in a couple weeks.

I think subconsciously, or in my soul, I knew today was the day. My alarm went off, I got up, took a shower, turned off the water, and got back into bed. I called in to work -- while in the shower, my head just started pounding. I slept until 11 or 12. I got up and worked on a couple things. I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I did happen to run out to get some caffeine. The only 15 minutes I was really away from here, I noticed later on caller id that my brother tried to call. I didn't know what was happening until I tried to call Michelle around 8 ET. Bobby answered and said he was waiting to hear from her, that she was at the nursing home, and he read the note she'd left about it being serious and there was labored breathing. That's all he had to say. My brother called right after that which is a blur, and then they called at 11:48 to tell me.

I've seen my dad cry lots. He's quite emotional. I've seen my mom cry a few times, but I didn't really grow up with her, and that side of the family is just another story for another day. My other sister, Michelle, and I have shared quite a few tears, especially over the last months and weeks. I don't think in my entire life I've ever EVER seen my brother cry. I still have to say I haven't seen it, but when he called me a little while ago (and when the phone rang I just knew what that ring was for) I couldn't hear him for almost a minute and then I couldn't quite tell if it was him or my dad. That was probably even more upsetting than actually hearing the news.

Goodbye Debbie, thank you for all the advice that kept me a pretty levelheaded person while growing up in a not so normal situation, for driving lessons on Christmas Eve in the ice, for consoling me when I cried and cried about being scared of death as a child, and everything else along the way. I love you and I will miss you dearly.

Happy 9th Birthday to my youngest niece, Callan!

I need a true vacation!  I've been working, working, working, and a couple of my co-workers have been total jerks.  I am going in tomorrow to confirm whether or not I can take a 30 day leave next month. 

My sister is in a long-term care facility now.  The day my brother okayed her townhouse to be placed on the market, there was an offer.  We now need to move her belongings from Blacksburg, VA to Danville, IL.  I am afraid my brother is going to throw out most of her stuff.  I don't know why, but I just get that feeling.  I am more worried about Michelle, my other sister right now.

While I have spent a lot of time online learning about brain tumors over the last year, she is just now "getting up to speed", as she said today.  She's reading about all sorts of trials and treatments, but at the same time is afraid she's gotten involved at a point when it's too late.  I am afraid she's going to feel guilty about that down the road.

I went to see my doctor today.  I have lovely bumps on my legs and arms that I had 5 years ago.  I mainly just went to get the same prescription I got from the dermatologist back then, but (even though) he was running way behind, we sat and answered questions I had about my sister's situation.  As annoyed as I sometimes get with his office staff, including his wife, I can never bring myself to leave because he has such a great demeanor and is always extremely helpful. 

Wow! I just found that my other blog is findable on the search engines. Simple pleasures!

Anyway, I've filled out the application for the community college closest to where I live. I think I am either taking beginning statistics or biology starting in August. I am completely stressed out over things at work. I never want to be there. Even though I've been warned about the politics and red-tape in the medical field, I think I am going to try to get into a social work program. No, not so that I can go in and take kids out of bad homes. The FL Dept of Families is almost as bad as leaving them in the abusive homes, since the dept can't keep track of the poor kids. After dealing with a couple social workers over the last 3 months for Debbie, I decided the the first two (not the one at the rehab center in Salem) that we worked with were incompetent and I could do a better job than they were doing.

I am slacking off here. It's been nearly a month.


I did make it to the Rotunda in the Capitol in Washington. I stood in line for 5 hours and 10 minutes. My sister, Michelle, saw me on C-SPAN. There were so many other things I wanted to see in DC, but after driving all day and staying up all night, I took a nap in the car in West Potomac Park (by the Potomac R., of course) and then headed down to Blacksburg.

Since I've been back, it seems like it's been work, work, work and it's hot, hot, hot.

I've been really annoyed lately. Partly work, partly parents.

With all that's going on with my sister, I am sure there are people wondering why I take on a lot of the responsibility, but they look at it from the surface. I am the only other single one in the family. Dad (though my brother didn't like it when I suggested it) seems to be bordering on early stages of some sort of neuro/memory problems. My mom is taking care of my grandma here in FL who has lung cancer and in general, isn't in the best health. On top of that, she doesn't really seem to understand or want to try to understand anything other than Debbie is going to die in her lifetime. A lot of people will say "Oh, a parent just worries and you can't understand it until you have your own children", but that's not the type of situation. She doesn't even try to help. She just wants to wrap everything up as though Debbie can't give her own input and almost as though she's already gone. In anger, there have been a couple times I wanted to tell Debbie that our mother was ready to give her dog away to the pound. (Debbie's dogs are like her children). I know that doesn't solve anything, and at the moment, Max is contentedly snoozing about 3 feet away from me.

Work is work. We've had a turn-over in managers over the last 6 months or so. 4 our of 5 have transferred. The one who is left is good, but sometimes I get the feeling he is just over the place and just comes, puts in his time and leaves. Two new managers seem to be alright. I haven't had much interaction with them. The other two need to jump on the next rocket leaving from Canaveral and take a trip far, far away. One of those two hasn't even finished being trained in the area and has already come to the conclusion that the department is broken and this person's mission is to correct all the ills! The other person has such chip on the shoulder, all that gets accomplished is talking issues to death. I had a specific run in with that one, where I was thought to have done something wrong, and when I said this person was wrong, they wouldn't listen to my explanation about it, had to do the "research" of the situation on their own, and came back with pretty much the exact same information I already knew, but complained about having to take time away from other things they needed to work on. *big rolling of the eyes* With things like this happening, they wonder why employees keep leaving and new ones don't want to stay.

“Whatever else history may say about me when I'm gone, I hope it will record that I appealed to your best hopes, not your worst fears....

“May all of you as Americans never forget your heroic origins, never fail to seek divine guidance and never lose your natural, God-given optimism.” —Speech to Republican National Convention, Aug. 17, 1992

This is really how I feel.

We lost a great American this weekend. I will not say that he was the best-ever President of the United States, but to those who, in a knee-jerk reaction, say immediately that they hated him, he was no where near being the worst. This man, with a strong determination, dug in and decided it was time for Communism to fall, and fall it did! He decided that our government controlled too, too much, and it was time to reduce. He did it.

My own personal feelings about that particular Presidency stem from 8 days after I turned 10. I'd been reading our 1969 set of World Book encyclopedias most of my childhood. I read about Qatar (wait!--aren't ALL words with 'Q' followed by 'u'!?!) and several other obscure places, animals (I could barely even open the 'S' book for fear of opening to the pages and pages of pictures of snakes!) and I read about all the Presidents, individual profiles and the article about the US Predsidency. It was in that article where I read about the Oath of Office. I became so intrigued, I decided to fake illness, stay home from school and watch this process of the inauguration on January 20, 1981, and so I became completely fascinated by our government. President Reagan ran this country through from the time I was 10 until 5 months before graduating from high school. Formative years there.

While people point out the points they didn't like about his administration, has there ever been a President who's had 100% approval ratings? Abraham Lincoln (another Illinois resident!) rates as one of the best in history, but did all people in that era like his policies? NO. I understand why people didn't always like Reagan. Minorites and social issues fell near the bottom of his list of priorities. At that time, those issues were not things I considered. My interests lay in international areas. Although I never had the same fear of nuclear holocaust that people 10-20 years older than myself had, I really had no interest in seeing it happen. The cowboy in the white hat cliche paints too much of a superficial picture. In my portrait of President Reagan, he is a man who believed in an idea and stood up and took charge where most people would take the easy road and not make waves.

Rest in Peace Gipper!

Seems the thing to do if you have a weblog is to write out the "100 Things about Me" list. This is mine...in no particular order.


1. My first name is Melinda, and please don't ever call me Mindy.
2. I was born in Danville, IL, hometown of Dick and Jerry Van Dyke, Gene Hackman, Donald O'Connor, and Bobby Short.
3. I am the youngest of 4.
4. My brother is the oldest, then there are 3 girls.
5. My oldest sister has been diagosed with an Anaplastic Oligodendroglioma, a type of brain tumor.
6. Yes, it is sad, but it has brought us 4 a lot closer together than we've probably been since childhood.
7. I have 3 nieces--my brother's daughters.
8. I have a history degree.
9. I haven't directly used it for a paying job.
10. I have used the thing to do a TON of genealogy work.
11. I have discovered 7000+ relatives.
12. I live in Florida but almost never go to either coast.
13. I have also lived in California and Maryland.
14. Honorable mention: New Orleans, LA
15. My favorite city east of the Mississippi is Washington, DC
16. My favorite city west of the Mississippi is Los Angeles, CA
17. 10 Ten countries I want to visit include: UK, France, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Germany, the Seychelle Islands, Chile, China, and New York City.
18. I've been to 3 foreign countries: Canada, Mexico, and Haiti.
19. I've broken each arm once.
20. I've broken my little toe on each foot at least a dozen times.
21. I have more great aunts and uncles living than I do aunts and uncles.
22. I got to visit the set of a current sit-com and had a blast!
23. I have fallen asleep, well, actually dozed, in the big leather chairs on the floor of the House of Representatives.
24. I was rocked to sleep as a baby by Denver Pyle (aka "Uncle Jesse" from Dukes of Hazard)
25. I met my favorite 80s teen idol, C. Thomas Howell, when he was filming Grandview USA in Pontiac, IL.
26. I did not get to meet Patrick Swayze and Jamie Lee Curtis who also starred in that movie.
27. I worked 2 summers on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan at a camp.
28. I worked as a nanny for 4 months.
29. My blog code: B2 d- t- k+ s u-- f i-- o+ x- e l c
30. My favorite photographer is Larry Kanfer.
31. I love the New Mickey Mouse Club from the 70s -- not the Brittany, Justin, JC incarnation.
32. My eyes are green
33. My hair is natural and brown with some gray.
34. I am 5'7"
35. I am not a morning person.
36. I've never habitually drank coffee, though I do like it.
37. Though I am not an alcoholic and not on any wagon, I don't think I've had any alcohol this year.
38. In 2003, I went to or travelled through 17 states.
39. In 1989, I went to or travelled through 24 states.
40. I once was 6 inches from Donny Osmond.
41. My favorite dog is a English Springer spaniel.
42. I think cats should be banished from the earth.
43. Snakes should be too.
44. I once wanted to name a son Taylor.
45. I stopped wanting to have kids about the time I turned 30.
46. My first boyfriend was Sam Rowland.
47. My current one - Daniel.
48. I prefer mountains to the beach but...
49. My favorite beach in FL is at Siesta Key.
50. My favorite beach in CA is Huntington Beach.
51. I swam in Lake Superior when the water was about 50 degrees.
52. I really loved Bryce Canyon in UT, but was only there for about an hour--need to go back.
53. I'm more of a dad's girl than mom's.
54. Most of our family came from Scotland, but a couple branches came from Germany.
55. Someday, I'm going to go trace the family roots overseas.
56. My favorite monument in Washington is the Jefferson Memorial.
57. Most romantic kiss was in front of it.
58. Though more conservative than liberal, I'm a closet Kennedy family fan.
59. I bite my fingernails, but I keep trying to stop.
60. I got stitches the first time when I was 10 b/c I stepped on a toothpick and they had to cut it out of my foot.
61. My favorite Disney show was the New Mickey Mouse Club from 1977-8.
62. My favorite mouseketeers were Allison Fonte and Scott Craig.
63. Now my favorite show is pretty much anything on the Travenl Channel.
64. My favorite Disney cartoon character is Mickey Mouse.
65. I'm going to be different and stop at 65.

Gator mating season is just about upon us. I just wandered down to the pond outside my apartment to ask a fisherman if there happened to be gators in that there pond. Indeed--a 3 footer and a 10 footer! Max will not be walking his walk near there anymore!

A few days ago, at work, there was a smaller sized gator hanging around up close to where tourists hang out. He was probably about 5-6 feet. He was probably a little lost from the less travelled areas of the lakes or he's been fed by others and was searching out other gullible tourons (local word, comb. form of tourist and moron). For those of you who visit Florida, be advised and forewarned: IT IS ILLEGAL TO FEED THE GATORS! Feeding the gators removes their fear of humans. They begin to associate humans with food (in the same way that Pavlov's dog associated a bell with food) and and they start hanging out, and soon attacking humans when they are hungry. Once that fear is gone, or once it is noted that a gator has been fed by humans, they almost always end up getting destroyed. You can't just move a gator--he finds his way back.

So, come to Florida, enjoy them from afar, and please don't feed them. I have been within 6 feet of one in the wild, and he and I left each other alone. We had that mutual understanding. :-)

A semi-interesting gator site.